You’re sitting in a room, head buzzing, body tensing. You’re hoping someone will ask, “Are you okay?” But they don’t.

Not because they’re cold or uncaring

But because they genuinely don’t know.

Maybe they’re neurodivergent. Maybe they’re anxious themselves.

Maybe they’ve never been taught to read the emotional temperature in a room.

And yet, a voice inside you whispers:

“They should have known.”

That voice, that should be, is powerful.

But it often leads to resentment, withdrawal, and silent punishment.

This is the subtle pattern of passive-aggressive communication. It looks like quiet sulking, the silent treatment, vague comments like “Don’t worry, I’m fine.”

But underneath, there’s a deep longing:

“Please see me.”

Why This Hurts More Than Helps

When you silently expect someone to know what’s going on for you, and they don’t respond, it reinforces a painful belief:

“No one ever shows up for me.”

Where unspoken needs trigger childhood wounds.

For many, the belief is: “I’m too much. I’m not worth the effort. I always get left.”

So instead of expressing the need, the defence kicks in:

➔ Shut down

➔ Get sarcastic

➔ Distance yourself

➔ Punish them with silence

It’s understandable. But it doesn’t get you what you want.

It creates a self-fulfilling prophecy. Nobody is coming to save you because you haven’t told anyone you need saving.

Here are some patterns to watch for in yourself (or someone else):

• You say “I’m fine” when you’re not, and feel resentful when they don’t dig deeper.

• You expect people to guess your needs instead of stating them

• You replay scenarios in your head, imagining how they should have responded

• You drop hints instead of making requests

• You withdraw or go quiet to “teach them a lesson”

• You punish rather than express

Passive-aggressive behaviour is often a trauma response. But that doesn’t mean it’s harmless.

At its core, it’s a way to protect yourself while still trying to control the outcome.

You want love, but on your terms.

You want to be seen, but only if they get it without being told.

You want power, but without vulnerability.

It can become gaslighting:

“I didn’t say anything, so you should’ve known.”

It can become emotional manipulation.

And yes, it can keep you locked in the victim role.

Which is painful, lonely, and exhausting.

It’s not your fault if this is your pattern. It’s likely how you kept yourself emotionally safe in childhood.

But now? You can rewrite it.

Here are ways to shift:

1. Name what you need, out loud.

Try: “When I get quiet like that, I’m actually feeling overwhelmed and want reassurance.”

2. Replace blame with feelings.

Use: “I felt hurt when I didn’t hear from you, and I realise I didn’t say I was struggling.”

3. Give people a chance to meet your needs.

Instead of: “If they cared, they’d know.”

Try: “Would you be open to checking in on me this week? I find it hard to ask.”

4. Own your defence mechanism.

Say: “I notice I go into ‘you should know’ mode when I feel unseen. It’s something I’m working on.”

5. Find safer ways to regulate.

Journaling, voice notes to yourself, movement, and grounding techniques can help you reconnect before spiralling into mind-reading mode.

Using my Sleigh framework, we can break this down like this:

S – Spot the Pattern

Notice when you’re expecting people to read your mind.

L – Language It

Use “I feel…” and “I need…” rather than accusations or silence.

E – Empathise with Others’ Limitations

Remember: they might be neurodivergent, busy, anxious, or simply unaware.

I – Initiate the Repair

Be brave enough to bring it up before the resentment festers.

G – Grow the Relationship

Healthy communication invites intimacy, not control. The goal is connection, not correctness.

In the process of healing, communication becomes a powerful tool. By expressing your needs clearly and openly, you create opportunities for genuine connection and understanding. Let go of the need for others to intuit your feelings, and instead, invite them into your world with honesty and vulnerability. This shift not only empowers you but also fosters deeper relationships built on trust and empathy. As you continue this journey, know that every effort you make towards healthier interactions is a step towards a more fulfilling life.

I’m Becky Stone, a qualified eating disorder therapist based in the UK. I work with both teens and adults, offering a calm, non-judgmental space to explore what recovery means, on your terms.

With professional training and lived experience of trauma and neurodivergence, I help people reconnect to their voice, their needs, and their relationships without shame.

Let’s stop guessing and start naming.

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