Empowering Recovery Through Compassionate Support and how to support someone with an ed
Recognizing Codependency
Codependency in Disguise: Red Flags to Watch For
When someone you care about is struggling with an eating disorder, it’s natural to want to step in. But knowing how to support someone with an ED without becoming overwhelmed or over-involved is a skill in itself. The difference between empowering and rescuing can change the course of their recovery, as well as your own wellbeing.
The Power of Direct Engagement
The Drama Triangle: A Hidden Trap in Caring Relationships
One of the most common dynamics I see in eating disorder recovery is the Drama Triangle, a relational pattern where people unconsciously fall into these roles:
➔ Victim: “I can’t do this on my own.”
➔ Rescuer: “Let me do it for you.”
➔ Persecutor: “Why haven’t you sorted this yet?”
This triangle isn’t about villains; it’s about survival strategies.
When someone’s struggling with food, body image, or mental health, the people around them often jump into Rescuer mode. They mean well. They care deeply. But they start managing appointments, chasing confirmations, and making all the decisions, and in doing so, they unintentionally take over the recovery process.
And it’s not just in friendships. This shows up in romantic relationships, flatmates, even family members who’ve taken on the full emotional weight of someone else’s healing.
A Story That Might Feel Familiar
Let’s say someone is trying to access therapy. They’re feeling overwhelmed, unsure, and emotionally drained. A partner or friend steps in: contacting therapists, booking sessions, arranging follow-ups, and even managing the email exchanges.
At first, it’s a lifeline.
But soon, the person struggling starts relying on their supporter to do it all. They might say, “I just can’t face it,” or, “Can you message for me?” And their friend or partner, driven by compassion, continues to carry the load.
Do you know what gets lost here? Agency. Autonomy. Boundaries.
The person in pain never gets the chance to take ownership. And the supporter slowly becomes resentful, exhausted, and, ironically, less effective as a support system.
Recovery Has to Come From Within
This might sound hard, but it’s said with love:
If someone is not in a place to send an email, attend an appointment, or make a basic decision about their care, it may not be the right time for therapy.
And that’s okay. That doesn’t mean they’re failing.
But real, sustainable therapy requires consent, participation, and choice. Not from a partner. Not from a flatmate. From the person themselves.
When we rescue someone out of every uncomfortable step, we rob them of the muscle memory that builds recovery: the courage to do the next right thing, even when it’s hard.
Balancing Support and Autonomy
In my practice, I often pause and check: who is doing the work here?
Sometimes, it’s a partner coordinating everything because they’re terrified the person they love might spiral. Sometimes, it’s a friend who has lost every other relationship and found identity in being the ‘strong one.’
But here’s the truth:
➔ Support isn’t doing it for someone; it’s being with them while they do it.
➔ Boundaries are not rejection, they’re scaffolding.
➔ Ownership of recovery is what makes it real, lasting, and safe.
A Glimpse into Healing Journeys
How to Support Someone with an Ed
The Power of Direct Engagement
Spotting Codependency in Recovery Dynamics
Whether it’s between friends, partners, or housemates, codependency can creep in under the radar. Here are a few signs to look out for:
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One person consistently makes all the decisions around care or recovery.
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Emotional dependency grows, with guilt or panic around setting limits.
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The supporter begins to feel responsible for the other person’s success or failure.
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The person struggling starts leaning outward instead of inward for all reassurance
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There is fear, not just love, driving the support dynamic.
It’s no longer about “How can I support you?” it becomes “How can I fix you?”
How To Support Someone With An Ed
The Illusion of Helplessness
In some situations, the person receiving support may be doing a lot behind the scenes, travelling, working, and making other decisions. Still, when it comes to recovery, they present as completely overwhelmed or disengaged.
That’s not to say the distress isn’t real. But sometimes, the learned helplessness of being supported too much creates a feedback loop: the more someone is rescued, the less they feel they can do for themselves.
And the more the partner or friend rescues, the more burnt out they become.
What Healthy Support Looks Like
Let’s reframe the dynamic.
You’re not their therapist. You’re not their case manager. You are someone who loves them.
Here’s what real support can look like:
➔ Sitting beside them while they email their therapist, not doing it for them
➔ Offering to remind them of appointments but not managing their entire schedule
➔ Talking about your own boundaries and wellbeing
➔ Encouraging progress, not perfection
➔ Letting go of the role of “fixer” and choosing to be a witness instead
supporting someone with an ED, recovery and boundaries
Final Thoughts
When we confuse support with responsibility, the relationship suffers, and so does the recovery.
The person you love is not broken. They can heal, but that healing has to begin with them taking the first brave step.
You can’t carry someone across the finish line of recovery. But you can walk alongside them, cheering them on, trusting that their journey is valid, and letting your own life continue, too.
Becky Stone
I’m Becky Stone, a qualified eating disorder therapist based in the UK. I work with both teens and adults, offering a calm, non-judgemental space to explore what recovery really means, on your terms. With a background in supporting people through anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, and body image struggles, I know how complex and personal this journey can be. My work is shaped by both professional training and lived experience, which helps me connect with clients in a real, honest way. I specialise in supporting neurodivergent individuals, including those with ADHD and autism, and I believe in flexible, shame-free recovery. At the heart of my approach is trust, trust in yourself, the process, and the idea that recovery is possible.
Take the First Step Towards Recovery
If you’ve found yourself caught in the cycle of overhelping, or if you’re ready to take back control of your recovery, it starts with one brave step. My intro sessions offer a safe, non-judgmental space to explore what support looks like for you.
