Unmasking the Hidden Struggles
How to Know If You’re Masking: Signs Your Therapist Shouldn’t Miss
Some of us can hold eye contact, nod at the right moments, and even crack a joke, while inside we’re drowning. That’s the problem with masking. It’s so good, even our therapist might miss it. In this blog, I’m sharing what masking can look like in ADHD and autism, especially in women, and the subtle signs that therapists often overlook. If you’ve ever left a session feeling completely unseen, this one’s for you.
Identifying the Signs
Supporting Neurodivergence
Building Trust
Compassionate Care
The Calm Facade
I Can’t Be the Only One
I used to leave therapy feeling worse than when I went in.
I thought I was doing it wrong, too chatty, too fast, too much. One therapist even told me:
“Slow down, Rebecca. Think before you speak.”
It was meant to help me regulate, I suppose. But instead, I left that room feeling crushed. Condescended to. Like I’d failed a test, I didn’t even know I was sitting.
If you’re a neurodivergent woman navigating therapy, maybe you know that feeling too.
The Diagnosis Dilemma
What Is Masking?
Masking is when you camouflage your neurodivergent traits, either consciously or unconsciously. You mirror what you think is “socially acceptable.” You suppress the stimming. You over-apologise. You smile when you’re imploding.
And often?
You don’t even know you’re doing it until you crash.
Embracing Authenticity
Signs Your Therapist Might Be Missing
These aren’t the classic signs listed in textbooks. These are the real-life red flags that I, and so many of my clients, live with every day:
💬 Saying “I don’t know” when put on the spot because the brain freezes.
🧠 Blanking under pressure, and being mistaken for disengaged or avoidant.
👀 Trained eye contact that flicks away quickly.
📅 Missing appointments, even when you really want to show up.
📣 Fast, chaotic talking, not rudeness, just urgency.
🧴 Fidgeting with makeup brushes, pens, or textured items during sessions.
🎭 People-pleasing, perfectionism, or playing the “good client.”
📉 Suddenly crashing after years of ‘coping’, especially around perimenopause.
“I walked into the supermarket and shut down. The lights, the smells, the noise… I wasn’t even sure why I picked up my phone. I just needed a way out.”
Understanding the Overlooked
Why Therapists Often Miss Masking
Let’s be honest: therapy wasn’t designed with masked ADHD women in mind.
Many of us were trained to listen more, say less, to avoid notetaking, to let the client “find their voice.” But when your brain is firing on 100 tabs and you’ve been silenced your whole life? That approach can leave you spinning.
“Person-centred therapy never worked for me. I didn’t want to hear my own voice; I wanted someone to help me find the patterns.”
And sometimes, therapists don’t question the surface. They see calm. They don’t see the fight it takes to hold it all together.
Understanding the Impact of Support
How Support Can Transform Recovery
Here’s what I’ve found, both in my personal experience and with clients:
✅ Give written summaries after each session, as processing takes longer.
✅ Offer structure, mind maps, or visuals; don’t assume the client is tracking.
✅ Allow stimming or fidgeting, it’s not disrespect, it’s regulation.
✅ Frame changes as experiments, not tasks or goals.
✅ Set reminders, many clients don’t remember what they agreed to do.
✅ Name and validate masking, it can be a huge relief to hear someone say, “You’re not making this up.”
“My therapist saying, ‘You’re doing better than you think’ changed everything. I needed to hear that from someone who saw the messy middle—not just the polished front.”
Navigating Post-Diagnosis Challenges
Understanding Masking After Diagnosis
Getting a diagnosis doesn’t always unmask someone overnight. In fact, many women experience a grief period.
“Some of my friends were mortified when they got diagnosed. One said, ‘How did no one notice this?’ She felt like she’d been mislabelled her whole life.”
The shame can be huge. Especially if masking was your survival skill.
Final Thoughts — From One Masker to Another
If you’ve been masking your whole life, please know this:
🧩 You were doing your best with the tools you had.
🪞 You don’t have to be palatable to be valid.
🧠 You’re not broken, you’re just wired differently.
🧭 The right therapist will see you.
“Masking wasn’t weakness. It was armour. But armour gets heavy. And now, I choose something lighter. I choose honesty.”
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Becky Stone
I’m Becky Stone, a qualified eating disorder therapist based in the UK. I work with both teens and adults, offering a calm, non-judgemental space to explore what recovery really means, on your terms. With a background in supporting people through anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, and body image struggles, I know how complex and personal this journey can be.
My work is shaped by both professional training and lived experience, which helps me connect with clients in a real, honest way. I specialise in supporting neurodivergent individuals, including those with ADHD and autism, and I believe in flexible, shame-free recovery. At the heart of my approach is trust, trust in yourself, in the process, and in the idea that recovery is possible.
