The Father Wound Nobody Talks About: When Father’s Day Feels Complicated
Discover how childhood experiences, emotional neglect and difficult parent relationships can affect self-worth, body image, perfectionism and eating disorders and what recovery can look like.
As a trauma-informed eating disorder therapist in Canterbury, I often see how childhood experiences can shape a person’s relationship with food, body image and self-worth.
Father’s Day can be joyful for some and painful for others. For many people, it brings up memories of emotional neglect, abandonment, criticism or the relationship they wish they had with their father. In this article, I explore how these experiences can influence self-worth, body image and eating disorders, and why healing often begins by recognising that your value was never determined by someone else’s ability to see it.
The Power of Words on Developing Minds
Father’s Day can mean very different things to different people.
For some, it is a day filled with gratitude, celebration and happy memories.
For others, it can bring up sadness, anger, grief, confusion or even relief.
Sometimes the grief is obvious. A father has died and is deeply missed.
But sometimes the grief is harder to explain.
It is the grief of the relationship you wish you had.
The father who was physically present but emotionally unavailable.
The father who never quite understood you.
The father who loved you but struggled to show it.
The father whose comments stayed with you long after he had forgotten them.
Over the years, both through my own recovery journey and through working with clients, I have noticed that many people carry invisible beliefs that started long before an eating disorder appeared.
Beliefs such as:
“I’m not good enough.”
“I’m unlovable.”
“I have to earn love.”
And when those beliefs are left unchallenged, they can become fertile ground for eating disorders, perfectionism, people-pleasing and low self-worth.
Questioning Internal Narratives
Unpacking Inherited Beliefs and Insecurities
Understanding Healing Without Apologies
When Father’s Day Brings Up More Than Memories
One thing I have learnt is that Father’s Day is rarely just about fathers.
It is often about expectations.
Social media becomes flooded with messages celebrating perfect dads, perfect relationships and perfect families.
For many people, that can be incredibly painful.
Because life is rarely that simple.
I have worked with clients who love their fathers deeply but still carry hurt.
Clients who understand their father’s struggles but still feel unseen.
Clients who feel guilty because they know their dad tried his best, yet they are still grieving what was missing.
The truth is that two things can exist at once.
You can love someone and still be hurt by them.
You can appreciate someone and still wish things had been different.
You can understand their struggles and still acknowledge the impact those struggles had on you.
Embracing Authenticity
The Hidden Beliefs We Carry Into Adulthood
Many of the people I work with are not struggling because of one single event.
Instead, they have carried certain beliefs for years.
A father leaving can become:
“Everyone leaves.”
A critical comment can become:
“My body isn’t good enough.”
Emotional distance can become:
“I don’t matter.”
The child then grows into an adult who spends years trying to prove these beliefs wrong.
Working harder.
Achieving more.
Looking after everyone else.
Being thinner.
Being better.
Being perfect.
Yet no achievement ever quite fills the gap.
Because the wound was never about achievement.
It was about worth.
“Many people spend years trying to earn love from someone who was never able to give it.”
When Food Becomes About More Than Food
One of the biggest misconceptions about eating disorders is that they are simply about food.
In my experience, they rarely are.
Food is often the symptom.
The deeper struggle is usually emotional.
Many years ago, when my own eating disorder took hold, it wasn’t really about food.
My father leaving created a belief that I wasn’t worth staying for.
Years later, when an important relationship broke down, it seemed to confirm everything I already feared.
Everybody leaves.
I’m not enough.
I need to control something.
Food became that something.
Many clients describe similar experiences.
Different stories.
Different families.
Different circumstances.
Yet often the same underlying question:
“Could I not just be good enough the way I am?”
“Could you not just see me?”
“Could you not just hear me?”
“Could you not just accept me?”
Understanding Eating Disorders
The Comments That Stay For Years
One of the most heartbreaking things I see in therapy is the power of comments that were never meant to cause harm.
Comments such as:
“Are you going to eat all of that?”
“You’re getting a bit chubby.”
“That’s not very healthy.”
“I think you’ve had enough.”
For the person saying them, they may have been forgotten within minutes.
For the child hearing them, they can become part of their identity.
This is especially common during puberty, when bodies are naturally changing and developing.
A passing comment can become an internal belief.
“My body is wrong.”
“I take up too much space.”
“I need to be smaller.”
The intention may not have been harmful.
But the impact can last for decades.
Exploring Internal Voices
Whose Voice Am I Carrying?
One of the most powerful moments in recovery often comes when someone asks:
“Whose belief is this?”
Is this really my belief?
Would I say this to my daughter?
Would I speak to someone I love in this way?
Or am I carrying somebody else’s fears, insecurities and judgements?
Many fathers grew up in generations where emotions were not spoken about.
Body image wasn’t discussed.
Eating disorders weren’t understood.
Men carried their own insecurities about food, weight, shape and appearance but rarely had the language to express them.
That doesn’t erase the impact.
But it can help us understand the context.
Healing Doesn’t Always Mean Getting The Apology
One of the hardest parts of recovery is accepting that you may never get the conversation you hoped for.
You may never get the apology.
You may never get the acknowledgement.
You may never hear the words you’ve spent years waiting for.
Sometimes healing means grieving that reality.
Not because it didn’t matter.
Not because the hurt wasn’t real.
But because your life becomes too important to remain tied to someone else’s ability to understand your pain.
Healing is not pretending it was okay.
Healing is recognising that what happened affected you, whilst also understanding that your parent was human and imperfect.
Letting Go of External Validation
What Happens When You Stop Chasing Approval?
The clients who make the biggest shifts often reach a point where they stop trying to earn approval.
They stop trying to prove themselves.
They stop trying to be enough for somebody else.
And something remarkable happens.
They begin to like themselves.
They begin listening to their own body.
They become more connected to food.
More connected to their needs.
More connected to who they actually are.
The weight they have been carrying was never really theirs.
And when they finally put it down, they become free.
Not perfect.
Not healed overnight.
But free.
Finding Peace Amidst Complexity
Embracing Your Own Worth
If Father’s Day feels complicated for you, I want you to know that you are not alone.
Your worth was never determined by whether somebody recognised it.
Your value was never dependent on somebody else’s ability to see it.
You do not need to spend your life proving that you are lovable.
You do not need to earn the right to take up space.
And you do not need anyone else’s approval to become the person you were always meant to be.
Sometimes the most powerful part of recovery is realising that the acceptance you’ve been searching for was never meant to come from somebody else.
It was always meant to come from you
Take the First Step Towards Healing
If this article resonates with you and you are struggling with an eating disorder, body image concerns, low self-worth or the impact of childhood experiences, support is available.
As a trauma-informed eating disorder therapist based in Canterbury, I support adults and young people both locally and online across the UK.
Recovery is possible, and you do not have to face it alone
Meet Becky Stone: Your Supportive Guide to Recovery
Hi, I’m Becky Stone, a qualified counsellor and eating disorder therapist based in Canterbury. I specialise in trauma-informed eating disorder treatment, supporting adults and young people with anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, body image difficulties and low self-worth. My approach is compassionate, neurodivergent-affirming and focused on helping people build lasting recovery and a healthier relationship with themselves
