Find Your Path to Healing
Whose expectations are you trying to meet?
Do you feel like you’re living by somebody else’s expectations? You may be losing sight of what truly matters to you. What would it be like to stop trying to be who everybody else wants you to be and start understanding who you already are?
Empowerment
Finding the strength within yourself to set boundaries and prioritise your well-being without doubting yourself
Self-Discovery
Being strong enough to make your own decisions and stand by what’s right for you.
Compassionate Support
Working together to understand what your needs are in a non-judgmental space, working at your own pace
The Weight of Expectations
Have you ever stopped and asked yourself,
“Whose expectations are you trying to meet?”
It’s a question I ask quite frequently in sessions with my clients. Whose needs are these?
The Struggle Within
Many people come into therapy feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, anxious, burnt out, or stuck. They often believe that the problem is not that they’re not doing enough or coping well enough or not getting things right. They blame themselves, but when we start exploring things together, a different picture often emerges. Many people have spent years trying to meet everyone else’s needs while completely losing sight of their own.
Becky Stone
“If you’re living by somebody else’s expectations, you’re already setting yourself up to fail.”
A Journey to Self-Prioritization
The Pressure To Be Good Enough
Don’t be selfish.
Work harder.
Keep everybody happy.
Don’t upset people.
Put others first.
Be grateful.
Don’t make a fuss.
Don’t be too loud.
Make sure you share.
None of these messages sound particularly harmful on the surface, but over time they can create beliefs that our worth is based on what we do for others rather than who we are. The result is that we become experts at looking after everyone else while neglecting and giving up on ourselves.
Understanding Discomfort in Boundaries
The Emotional Journey of Setting Limits
When people-pleasing everyone becomes exhausting, something I see repeatedly: people who are constantly trying to keep everyone around them comfortable and happy.
– Answering messages when they’re exhausted
– Taking phone calls when they need rest
– Saying yes when they desperately want to say no
– Taking responsibility for emotions that were never theirs to carry
At first, this can look caring and supportive, but eventually it becomes exhausting, not because they don’t care about others, but because they’ve forgotten how to care for themselves.
Give Yourself Permission To Disappoint Someone
If you’re constantly trying to meet everybody else’s expectations, you’re already exhausted.
Give yourself permission to be your authentic self.
Not from a place of malice.
Not because you don’t care.
But because your needs matter too.
Masking, Neurodiversity And Trying To Fit In
For so many neurodivergent people, this pressure can become even more intense and overwhelming. When you’ve spent years feeling different,
You often become highly skilled at masking.
You watch what others are doing, and you find a way to try to fit in.
You try to be accepted,
You try to avoid rejection, but masking takes up a lot of energy. Over time, that consistent effort can lead to overwhelm, anxiety, burnout, exhaustion, and feeling so disconnected from yourself. The question becomes,
The Client Who Finally Slowed Down
- What do I really need right now?
- What do they bring to the table?
- Do I have capacity for this conversation?
- Am I saying yes because I want to, or because it’s expected of me, or is it because I feel guilty?
Slowly, they started putting boundaries in place, not because they stopped caring, but because they were able to care about themselves and reflect what was important for them.
Discover Your Inner Strength
When I stopped comparing myself to everyone else
This is something that I understand personally. Growing up with dyslexia and ADHD, I spent years feeling like I wasn’t good enough. I desperately wanted to do well academically and I wanted to get the grades. I wanted to sit still like everyone else and I wanted to revise the way everyone else revised. I wanted to sit in the system that seemed to work for everyone else but me!
The problem was, it wasn’t that I wasn’t capable. The problem was that I was constantly comparing myself to people whose brains worked differently. I remember sitting in the classroom, trying my hardest to focus, only for my mind to wander. I’d read a page and realise I’d taken none of it in. I’d worked incredibly hard and I still felt like I was falling behind.
For a long time, I thought that there was something wrong with me. I was labelled ditzy and dopey and “Becky the daydreamer”, “Becky’s away with the fairies”, but now I understand something different. My brain isn’t broken; it just works differently. I’ve learned that sitting at a desk for hours doesn’t work for me. I learned better through conversations, movement, listening, asking questions, and finding patterns.
What used to frustrate me the most was trying to force myself into someone else’s way of learning and being. What helps me now is understanding my own. I think many people spend years doing exactly the same in other areas of life,
Trying to fit into relationships that don’t suit them,
Trying to live by other people’s values,
Trying to meet expectations that they never chose and were already set up to fail.
Trying to become someone else instead of understanding who they are.
Sometimes the biggest shift isn’t changing who you are. It’s finally giving yourself permission to be who you are!
Reflecting on Personal Values
Why boundaries feel so uncomfortable
One of the biggest misconceptions about boundaries is that they should feel empowering straight away. Let’s be honest, most of the time they don’t.
The first feeling is often guilt, then panic, then overthinking, and then wondering why or if you’ve done something wrong.
You worry if you upset somebody.
You question whether you’re being selfish, but often what you’re experiencing isn’t a sign that the boundary is working.
It’s a sign that the boundary feels unfamiliar. Over time, the guilt is often replaced by something else: relief, freedom, and space to breathe.
Embracing Personal Confidence
You are not responsible for everyone else's feelings.
One thing I say regularly in the therapy room is: you are not responsible for someone else’s feelings, reactions, or emotions, and you are not responsible for making somebody else happy.
You are responsible for how you communicate.
You are responsible for your choices. You are responsible for your well-being, but you are not responsible for carrying everybody else’s emotional vomit or emotional wounds.
Rediscover Your True Self
Are these even your values
Sometimes the most important question isn’t “What should I do?”
It’s “Whose values am I living by?
Are these my values?
Are they my beliefs?
Are these my priorities, and are they my expectations, or are they rules that you’ve inherited from your family, society, relationship, or even past experience?
If you are trying to fit into somebody else’s version of life, you’ve already set yourself up to fail.
Reflective Insights
Exploring Inner Expectations
- Whose expectations am I trying to meet?
- Are these my values or someone else’s?
- Where am I saying yes when I really mean no?
- What would happen if I allowed someone to be disappointed with me?
- Am I angry at them, or am I angry at myself for ignoring my own needs?
Final Thoughts
Confidence isn’t about coming the loudest. It isn’t about having all the answers. Sometimes confidence is just being able to say
That doesn’t work for me.
I need something different, and trust in the people who genuinely care about you, and they will help adjust that.
Trust in the people who genuinely care about you will naturally adjust.
Not everyone will understand, and not everyone will agree. Not every time somebody says to you, “You’ve changed,” is a bad thing. Maybe say thank you,
The right people won’t need you to become somebody else to belong and be yourself.
Find Support Through Therapy
If you find yourself overwhelmed by anxiety, the pressure to please others, or the weight of burnout, know that you don’t have to face these challenges alone. Therapy offers a safe and supportive space to explore your feelings and develop strategies for lasting change. Reach out today to begin your journey towards a more balanced and fulfilling life.
Meet Becky Stone
Hi, I’m Becky Stone, a qualified counsellor based in Canterbury, Kent. I work with adults and young people online, supporting clients with eating disorders, anxiety, ADHD, self-esteem, burnout, and life challenges. My approach is warm, genuine, and down-to-earth, and I believe therapy should feel like a safe space where you can understand yourself better, make sense of what’s happening, and create a meaningful change in your own life and be the best version of yourself.
