Empowering Your Journey to Recovery
Why Do I Pull Away From People When I’m Struggling?
Sometimes pulling away isn’t about not caring. Sometimes it’s the only coping strategy we’ve ever known.
Understanding the Path to Recovery
The Importance of Overcoming Eating Disorders
Sometimes when life feels hard, we don’t move towards people.
We pull away.
We cancel plans. We ignore messages. We say, “I’m fine,” when we are absolutely not fine. We avoid phone calls, family meals, friendships, partners, social situations, and sometimes even the people who care about us most.
And from the outside, this can look confusing.
It can look rude.
It can look distant.
It can look like we don’t care.
It can look like we don’t want help.
But often, that isn’t what is happening at all.
A lot of the time, pulling away is not about rejecting other people. It is about trying to manage what is happening inside us.
Sometimes we pull away because we feel ashamed.
Sometimes because we don’t want to burden anyone.
Sometimes because we don’t know how to explain what is going on.
Sometimes because we are scared of being pitied, judged, fixed, or misunderstood.
And sometimes, pulling away is simply the coping strategy we learned a long time ago.
Why Pulling Away Can Feel Safer
For many people, being alone can feel easier than being vulnerable.
Not because they want to be lonely.
But because connection can feel risky.
When you open up to someone, you are not just sharing your pain. You are also having to manage their reaction.
Will they panic?
Will they judge me?
Will they pity me?
Will they try to fix me?
Will they make it about them?
Will they tell me I am overreacting?
Will they understand?
That can feel exhausting.
Sometimes people don’t want pity. They don’t want someone looking at them with sad eyes saying, “Oh, I’m so sorry.” Sometimes they don’t want a list of solutions. They don’t want advice. They don’t want to be told what they should do.
Sometimes they just want to be heard.
And this is something I see often in therapy.
People are not always avoiding connection itself. They are avoiding the type of response they expect to get from connection.
Because if every time you open up, you feel judged, rushed, dismissed, pitied, or fixed, eventually you learn to keep things to yourself.
Embracing Neurodiversity
Childhood, Attachment and Self-Soothing
You may also find this helpful if you’re supporting a boy or young man who is struggling in silence with body image, food, or pressure to cope alone.
For some people, pulling away goes back much further than the present moment.
It can link to childhood.
Attachment patterns.
Emotional safety.
Learning very early that your feelings were too much, inconvenient, ignored, or not understood.
If you grew up having to self-soothe, be independent, stay strong, or deal with things on your own, then reaching out can feel unnatural.
Even when you desperately need support, something inside you might say:
“Don’t bother them.”
“Sort it yourself.”
“You’re too much.”
“Nobody will understand.”
“You should be able to cope.”
“Keep it together.”
That voice can feel very convincing.
And this is why telling someone, “Just talk to someone,” is often too simplistic.
Because for some people, talking is not simple.
Talking means being seen.
Talking means risking rejection.
Talking means letting someone into a place they have spent years protecting.
So when someone pulls away, it does not always mean they do not want help.
Sometimes it means help feels unfamiliar.
Tools for Empowerment
What People Often Get Wrong
When someone pulls away, friends, family, or partners might assume:
They are being rude.
They do not care.
They are ignoring me.
They do not want help.
They are pushing me away on purpose.
But underneath, there may be something very different going on.
They might feel ashamed.
They might feel overwhelmed.
They might not have the words.
They might be scared of your reaction.
They might feel like their problems are too much.
They might be trying not to worry you.
They might be doing what they have always done to survive emotionally.
This matters.
Because when we misunderstand withdrawal, we can respond in ways that make the person retreat even further.
We might pressure them.
Chase them.
Take it personally.
Demand answers.
Get frustrated.
Tell them they need to open up.
But pressure rarely creates safety.
Presence does.
Rebuilding Trust
What Actually Helps
What people often need is not a dramatic intervention.
It is usually much simpler than that.
A pocket of time.
A cup of coffee.
A car journey.
Sitting on the edge of the bed.
A conversation without phones.
No television in the background.
No rushing.
No fixing.
Just full attention.
Sometimes the most powerful thing we can do is ask:
“How are you?”
And when they say, “I’m fine,” gently ask again:
“No, really. How are you?”
Because often “fine” means:
“I don’t know if it is safe to tell you.”
“I don’t want to burden you.”
“I don’t have the energy to explain.”
“Please notice that I am not fine.”
“Please don’t make me regret opening up.”
That second question can matter.
Not because we are forcing someone to talk, but because we are showing them that we are genuinely there.
Navigating Recovery Challenges
A Moment of Being Understood
When your mind is constantly busy, connection can start to feel exhausting rather than supportive.
Recently, I was talking with a client about the eating disorder voice. That internal voice that can be so persuasive, so sneaky, and so convincing.
I said with a bit of humour, “I bet the eating disorder has already told you that when you get home, you can get away with it, and you don’t have to do anything.”
And we laughed.
Not because the situation was funny in a dismissive way.
But because there was recognition.
There was a moment of, “You get it. You know what is happening in my head.”
I was not trying to fix.
I was not judging.
I was not shaming.
I was simply understanding.
Later, they sent me a message to say thank you. They said it helped that I understood where they were coming from, that I knew what was going on in their head, and that we could bring a little humour into it.
That is connection.
Not perfect words.
Not a textbook response.
Not fixing.
Just understanding.
And sometimes, that is what helps people feel less alone.
The Sentence That Can Change Everything
Try not to assume they do not care.
Try not to make their withdrawal mean something about you.
Instead, try saying:
“I’m here right now. What do you need from me?”
That sentence is powerful because it hands control back to the person who is struggling.
A Moment of Clarity
It says:
I am not here to fix you.
I am not here to judge you.
I am not here to rush you.
I am not here to shame you.
I am willing to sit with you as you are.
And that matters.
Because when someone is struggling, they may not know what they need straight away.
The Power of Words
They might need silence.
They might need a walk.
They might need a cup of tea.
They might need you to sit beside them.
They might need practical help.
They might need reassurance.
They might need space, but with the comfort of knowing you are still there.
The point is not to get it perfect.
The point is to stay connected.
Understanding Emotional Withdrawal
If You Are the One Pulling Away
If you are reading this and recognising yourself, I want you to know something.
You are not broken for pulling away.
You are not selfish.
You are not rude.
You are not too much.
You may simply have learned that being alone feels safer than being vulnerable.
But you do not have to carry everything on your own forever.
You do not have to tell everyone everything.
You do not have to open up before you feel ready.
But maybe you could start with one safe person.
One small message.
One honest sentence.
One tiny step towards connection.
Something like:
“I’m struggling a bit, but I don’t need you to fix it.”
“I don’t really know what I need, but I don’t want to feel alone.”
“Can you just sit with me for a bit?”
“I’m not ignoring you. I’m finding things hard.”
Small honesty can be a beginning.
Final Thought
The next time someone you care about seems distant, quiet, or withdrawn, try not to assume they do not care or do not want help.
Sometimes pulling away is simply the coping strategy they learned when life felt overwhelming.
They may not need advice.
They may not need fixing.
They may not even know what they need yet.
What they might need is someone who can sit beside them, without judgement, without rushing, and simply say:
“I’m here right now. What do you need from me?”
Because often, it is not the perfect words that help us feel less alone.
It is knowing somebody is willing to stay.
Becky Stone
I’m Becky Stone, a qualified counsellor based in Canterbury, Kent, working with adults and young people both online and in person.
I support people struggling with eating disorders, disordered eating, body image, anxiety, low self-worth, emotional overwhelm, and the patterns that often sit underneath coping behaviours.
My approach is warm, honest, trauma-informed, and human. I do not believe people need fixing. I believe they need the right space to feel safe, understood, and supported enough to begin making honest changes.
If you are struggling with food, your body, shame, self-worth, or the feeling that you are carrying everything alone, therapy can offer a place where you do not have to explain everything perfectly.
You can just start where you are.
