Navigating emotional healing when they don’t choose you
Understanding the Pain of When They Don’t Choose You
Explore the deep emotional toll of being left behind in love, and find healing after rejection, heartbreak, or unreciprocated feelings.
The Gut-Wrenching Grief After a Relationship Ends (and What’s Going on in Your Brain)
You ended it.
Or maybe they walked away.
And now, you feel like your whole world has dropped out from under you.
You can’t eat.
You’re exhausted.
You feel sick every time your phone buzzes, hoping it’s them, and also hoping it’s not.
Even though part of you knows they weren’t showing up for you…
Your body still aches like you’ve lost everything.
You’re not going mad.
You’re grieving.
And your brain is trying to survive it.
Understanding Emotional Addiction
Why does it hurt this much?
Love isn’t just emotional, it’s chemical.
When you connect deeply with someone, your brain releases bonding hormones like:
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Dopamine (pleasure, motivation)
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Oxytocin (connection, trust)
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Serotonin (calm, confidence)
When that person pulls away or the relationship ends, your brain experiences a crash like drug withdrawal.
You’re not just missing them, you’re missing the chemical safety your brain associated with their presence. Even if the relationship wasn’t healthy or consistent, your nervous system still latched on to the “highs.”
So now, your brain is frantically searching for regulation.
You’re exhausted because:
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Your cortisol levels are high, a sign of elevated stress hormone levels.
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Your sleep is disturbed.
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Your appetite is dysregulated.
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Your brain’s “reward system” feels broken.
It’s grief, not just over them, but over what could’ve been.
The future you imagined. The connection you craved, the hope you held.
The Emotional Complexity of Summer Situationships
“Why didn’t they want me?”
This is the question that breaks your heart all over again.
But here’s the truth:
Rejection isn’t always about your worth.
Sometimes, it’s about their capacity.
Some people may struggle to connect with you emotionally.
Some run from intimacy.
Some are only able to engage when it’s easy, and vanish when it requires depth, repair, or effort.
When someone walks away from your depth, it doesn’t mean you’re too much.
It means they weren’t ready to hold what you offered.
And I know that hurts.
Because when you love deeply, you hope deeply too.
The shame spiral: “I should be over this by now”
Please be gentle with yourself.
We live in a culture that glorifies moving on quickly, “just block them,” “just focus on yourself,” “just don’t care.”
But when you’ve bonded with someone, especially if you’ve given them parts of yourself you don’t share easily, the loss isn’t casual. It’s somatic.
It lives in your body.
You might:
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Feel waves of panic or emptiness at random times
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Replay conversations over and over
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Crave their validation, even though you know it won’t fix anything.
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Blame yourself for not “being enough” to make it work.
That’s grief.
And grief isn’t linear. It’s messy, non-logical, and exhausting.
Especially when shame is involved.
From Heartbreak to Healing
If you’re someone with ADHD, trauma, or a sensitive nervous system…
This kind of loss hits even harder.
Rejection can trigger rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD), where the pain of being “unwanted” feels physically unbearable.
And if you’ve experienced trauma or childhood emotional neglect, your nervous system might not have had many safe examples of consistent love.
So even painful love feels familiar. And letting go feels like a threat.
You’re not broken for struggling.
You’re trying to survive the loss of a nervous system attachment, not just a person.
So what now?
1. Let the grief come.
Crying, journaling, curling up, it’s all okay. You’re processing a rupture, and that takes energy.
2. Ground your nervous system.
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Short walks
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Cold water on your face
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Deep breathing
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Body scans
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Soft, quiet company (even just a pet or a hot water bottle)
3. Give your pain a place to land.
Talk to someone. A therapist. A safe friend. A voice note to yourself.
Let it out of your head. It’s too heavy to carry alone.
4. Remember this: Your worth didn’t leave with them.
You are not unlovable because someone couldn’t love you well.
You are not too intense because someone shut down.
You are not replaceable because someone chose comfort over growth.
A helpful read for the days when it all feels too much:
Block, Delete, Move On: It’s Not You, It’s Them
By Lalalaletmeexplain
It’s a brilliant, relatable book for anyone navigating the modern chaos of dating, ghosting, breadcrumbing, and heartbreak.
If you’ve ever felt silly for staying too long, blaming yourself, or wishing someone would choose you correctly, this book might be exactly what you need.
Final Words
If you’re in this pain right now, I want you to know this:
You will come out the other side.
Not because you’ll “get over it” but because your nervous system will slowly re-learn safety, joy, and hope.
And your body will realise: you can survive without the person you thought you couldn’t live without.
Right now, you’re doing the hard work of healing.
And that’s more than enough.
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Becky Stone
I’m Becky Stone, a qualified counsellor based in Canterbury, Kent. I work with both adults and teens, supporting people through heartbreak, grief, eating disorders, identity struggles, and the messy middle bits of life. If you’re finding it hard to let go of a relationship, struggling with low self-worth, or grieving something that feels too heavy to carry alone, please don’t hesitate to get in touch. You deserve support that feels safe, honest, and judgment-free.
