Understanding Emotional Depth
The ADHD Breakup Spiral: Why You Feel Everything So Deeply (And How to Heal)
Breakups can feel unbearable when you live with ADHD. Here’s why the pain can spiral and how to start healing without blaming yourself.
The Hidden Struggle of RSD
When Breakups Break More Than Just the Relationship
If you’ve ever come out of a breakup and thought:
“Why does this hurt so much?”
“Why can’t I move on like other people?”
“What is wrong with me?”
You’re not alone.
And you’re not broken.
Especially if you live with ADHD.
For many of us, the emotional fallout of a breakup feels ten times more intense than it “should.” It’s not just sadness, it’s full-body grief, shame, panic, and obsession.
This isn’t overreacting. It’s Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) at work.
What Is Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD)?
RSD is common in ADHD and describes the extreme emotional pain we feel when we experience (or even just perceive) rejection, criticism, or abandonment. It triggers a powerful fight-flight-freeze response in the body and makes it nearly impossible to self-soothe or see things rationally.
What might look like “overreacting” is actually a neurobiological emergency in the brain:
➔ The amygdala goes into overdrive (panic mode)
➔ The prefrontal cortex (calm thinking) goes offline
➔ Shame floods the system
➔ We believe the pain means something about us, “I wasn’t enough”
Understanding Emotional Intensity
A Personal Story: How I Learned This Firsthand
A few years ago, I went through a breakup that left me completely floored.
Not because the relationship was perfect.
Not because we were meant to be.
But because the emotional pain didn’t match the situation.
I loved that person deeply. And when it ended, something inside me shattered.
The grief wasn’t just about losing them, it was about losing myself.
The abandonment felt unbearable.
And the self-blame was instant and loud:
“If I’d been better, they would have stayed.”
“If I was thinner, quieter, more lovable… maybe it would have worked.”
In my desperate attempt to make sense of the pain, I turned inward.
And that’s how I created my own coping strategy, a very dangerous one.
I began restricting food.
I created rules in my head that thinness would make me enough.
That if I could just be a little smaller, maybe I’d be loved next time.
It wasn’t about vanity. It was about control.
It was about trying to escape the gut-wrenching feelings that my nervous system didn’t know how to hold.
Looking back now, I know this wasn’t just heartbreak.
It was Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, screaming at full volume.
But I didn’t know what that was at the time.
So I blamed myself. I punished myself. I thought there was something wrong with me.
Now I know:
➔ It wasn’t me being too emotional.
➔ It wasn’t me being dramatic.
➔ It was my ADHD brain in crisis, responding to a threat it couldn’t regulate.
And I wish I could go back and tell that version of me:
“There is nothing wrong with you. You’re just wired to feel things deeply. And that depth isn’t a flaw, it’s part of your brilliance.”
Steps to Calm the Emotional Storm
The Breakup Spiral
What It Can Look Like
When RSD is triggered, the spiral begins:
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Obsessing over texts or what you said
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Reliving every conversation
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Believing you’re unlovable or “too much”
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Losing appetite or over-controlling food
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Isolating out of shame
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Self-blame that gets louder every day
It feels endless.
And it is exhausting. But it’s not the truth. It’s the trauma speaking.
Embracing Your Emotional Depth
You Are Not Broken
Why This Isn’t Just About the Breakup
Most of the time, the intensity of the emotion isn’t really about the person.
It’s about:
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Old wounds being reopened
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Years of masking and people-pleasing
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A lifetime of not feeling “good enough”
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A nervous system that learned love = pain
This is especially true for women and teens with ADHD who often internalise rejection and feel they must change to be accepted.
Baby Steps That Actually Help
Here are some gentle, therapist-approved steps to begin untangling the spiral:
➔ Regulate before you reflect, cold water, movement, grounding
➔ Write down what’s true vs what RSD is telling you
➔ Interrupt the shame loop, set a time limit on spiralling thoughts
➔ Name your feelings without judgment
➔ Do small things that create dopamine, music, pets, a 10-minute walk
➔ Talk to someone who gets it, you don’t have to sit in this alone
You Are Not Broken, You Just Feel Deeply
If this blog resonates, I want you to know:
You are not overreacting.
You’re not a burden.
You’re just wired for depth.
You’ll never be too much for the right person.
And you’ll never be enough for someone who can’t meet your depth.
That’s not your fault.
That’s just a mismatch.
Your healing is in learning to honour your feelings, not fear them.
And with the right support, you can come through this with more self-trust than ever
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Becky Stone
I’m Becky Stone, a qualified eating disorder therapist based in the UK. I work with both teens and adults, offering a calm and non-judgmental space to explore what recovery truly means, on your terms. With a background in supporting people through ADHD, anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, and low self-worth, I know how complex this journey can be.
I specialise in helping neurodivergent clients make sense of emotional overwhelm, self-criticism, and rejection sensitivity. You are safe here.
